Useless Of Me...

When my grandma pain like hell, i cannot do anythings for her to release her pain .
Now i just don't know what kind of feeling i have now..
This morning , after i help my grandma Rub those medicine .
She did not said pain , but she just looks like she is very pain .
and when we was eating breakfast together , her action show me that she is very suffer .
But i cannot do anythings .
Sitting in the office now , thinking that wanna go back now or still stay in the office wait for celebrate one of the office girl birthday's ?(i feel i so bad)

I don't know what kind of feeling i have now , and my auntie just called me said that she is very pain ,everyone know that ,but cannot help up also .
because the doctor said my grandma this disease will be very very very pain .(she "born snake' in Chinese) (english is -herpes zoster)
I'm so so confuse that why i not just stay in my grandma house and not going to work today ?
i don't know why i will still go office ?
am i cold bloodier ?
i really dont know,but one things i just wish my grandma can recover soon ..
May god bless my grandma ...
Arhh, but now said this also useless,cannot help up also .
feel wanna cry now , but when my office people talk to me i feeling better ,but i did not tell them my grandma stuff
i just feel so useless now still sitting in the office ,waiting my sister call .......
I don't know what am i writing now also ...
insane of me..